Is it possible to have a beautiful life with someone who doesn’t believe that life is beautiful? I don’t remember a time when I was truly happy, but I also don’t remember a time when I didn’t want to be happy. I have always seen the beauty in life, in the world, in humanity. I have always recognized my immense privilege and the countless ways in which I am able to take that privilege for granted. The disconnect has been with an ability to enjoy it all. You can see something without being able to feel it, but I want to feel it and I work to feel it. G, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to want to be happy. Doesn’t seem to want to see the beauty. Seems content with the discontent. The anger. The melancholy. The bitterness. Anger is, for both of us, the default emotion. It’s a protective mechanism and, in so many ways, easier to feel than the alternatives of sadness, grief, fear, anxiety, etc. The difference between us is that I recognize it’s toxicity. I know what the anger is doing to me, to us, to our children. I know it’s not serving anyone anything positive. When it comes to G, I make so many concessions, so many excuses, give so much grace, because I know how much trauma he carries and that he has never figured out how to face it. Never wanted to face it. He has never even let himself consider that the darkness he shoved down to the lowest depths of his psyche decades ago has grown a black mold that has spread through every corner, every nook and cranny, every inch of his being. It is now leeching out of his pores and infecting us all. I love who I know he is at his core, because I see a sensitive soul with a pure heart who just wants to be loved and accepted. It’s not enough anymore, though. It’s not enough for me to just know that about him. It’s not enough that no one else gets to see it and it’s definitely not enough that he can’t see it himself. So, what do I do if I want to live a beautiful life with someone who doesn’t want to see life’s beauty?