I want to write. I want to expel all of the anxiety and negative self-talk and worries and fears and stress onto the page and be done with it. Or make something of it. Something cathartic. Something lucrative? I don’t know. I want to stop procrastinating and stop comparing and stop the entitled attitude that wraps around my thoughts and monopolizes space in my brain without leaving room for any actual action. I want to stop playing the victim. I want to stop letting people walk all over me. I want to stop feeling so insecure that I don’t stand up for myself or what’s right when I know I’ve been wronged. I want to START rocking the boat.

Part 2 – It’s minutes later and my mind has gone blank. This is what I fear, or maybe fear is too strong a word, but what I pessimistically suspect will happen when I get the urge to write. I keep telling myself to just write what I’m thinking. Get it out on the page. Who cares what it is? Who cares if it’s not any good? You are doing this for YOU! Stop assuming that you’ll write some words down and they’ll go viral and all of your troubles will melt away. That’s not how any of this works. I need to heal me and figure me out and that needs to be the ultimate reward. Not some easy, lottery-like fluke. I live in a prison of constant disappointment and longing and it’s a prison of my own making. I have potential. So much potential. So many ideas. So much to offer. But no follow through. So little drive. So little determination. So little hustle. So little grit. Too many excuses. But, I’m doing it again. The negative self talk. No success story, big or small, starts with telling yourself you CAN’T do it. Sure, many start with a lack of external validation, but it’s impossible to succeed at anything without a shred of internal. I’m so tired of feeling stuck. I’m so tired of feeling scared.